Ralph:
So Toast, what, uh, when were
you born?
Toast: 12/4/66.
Actually, I was born on December
2nd. Only, you’re a little older
than me.
Ok, December 2nd is yours, December
3rd I think is Lucifer, then
my birthday, then Smeltshers,
and yours [pointing to someone
else].
And the Toilet staff all
have December birthdays.
The very best birthday present
ever is when Lucero said “Eric,
I want you to meet somebody
but don’t hassle them too much.
There’s a scraggly looking piece
of hell sitting on the barstool
next to me.” It’s like Duane
Peters, Eric Sanders. I sat
and talked to Duane for hours
about, like “Duane, how were
you able to do the loop with
your hair down to your ass crack?”
And he’s like “Uh, fuck, I don’t
know. I was on like this and
that and beer and the thing
fell over…” Duane - the only
person who gave me a pack of
nonfilters and proceeded to
bum every one of them back.
So I didn’t get to smoke any
of them, but it’s Duane, so
you just give.
Who’s your new favorite superhero?
Huh? Hasel Adkins, he’s my new
favorite superhero… If this
is going into the Toilet, and
you guys skateboard… the best
move on a skateboard is just
a grind.
Just a grind?
Yeah, frontside! Crrrrrrrrr!!!
The kind where if you lock it
wrong, you land on your skull,
and your elbows and you bleed
everywhere…
I think all girls that I meet
should wear like purple panties..
Why
purple?
It’s my favorite color. Yeah,
it’s my favorite color. I have
yet to find the right shade
purple for my hair.
So, when did you start skating?
’76. On a homemade board with
the trucks riveted on. About
YEA long and YEA wide with clay
wheels in the front and, I wanna
say like Powerpaw 4’s in the
back.
Well, who are your favorite
skaters?
You don’t have enough tape…
Tony Alva, Duane Peters, Steve
and Mickey Alva, Waldro Aultry
(old HOBE rider), Rick Blackhart.
Anybody who touches a skateboard
and rides it - does it because
they HAVE TO. They don’t need
to, they HAVE TO. Mark Gonzolas.
Tony Hawk can slarve my fucking
anal butt-cheek cavity. But,
hopefully he won’t. Um, anybody
from Ohio. Doesn’t matter. Ohio
is a magic state. Danforth.
He’s not from Ohio, he’s from
Michigan… Lurch. Lurch is God.
So when did you have to start
wearing glasses?
Oh, fuck if I know. Probably
like, age 2. I used to have
glasses that you could like,
burn a dog with. I’m talking
like, multiple triple thick
glasses. I used to have to wear
eye patches and shit. My left
eye is all lazy. I used to have
to take eye classes to try and
strengthen it. And I’m a bastard
at that, so WA-HOO!.
You’re a bastard?
Yeah. I’m adopted. Alright,
here we go. I’m adopted. My
mother and her husband broke
up. Along came this English/Irish/Dutch
man. Fucked my mother. That’s
where I came from. Her husband
and her got back together. For
fear of her husband killing
me, she adopted me out. So I
know for a fact that I have
two siblings. I don’t know if
they are male or female. It’s
weird being adopted because
it’s like I could have fucked
some girl and she could be,
like, a distant cousin, but
hey, “keep it in the family.”
I have a question for you. Why
do teenage girls like to fuck
24-7? And they like older men,
I think because their daddies
didn’t give them enough…
Oh! We used to make pornographic
food at this deli that I worked
at. We’d take two meatballs
and Italian sausage and lay
it out, obviously like a cock,
on a piece of bread, and we’d
sprinkle uh, pubic hair, we’d
sprinkle sprouts on top of it.
Girls didn’t like that, though.
Why didn’t they like that?
I don’t know. And for some reason,
I got a sexual harrasement thing
going against me at that same
job. Cause I asked this girl
if she would kiss me, and she
was like 16 and I was like 28.
She was bummed out on that,
but I didn’t care, ‘cause I
was listening to G.G. Allin
nonstop. So, like, she threw
food at me one time and I grabbed
the garbage can, and threw up
in it all over the walls, at
the work, and hit her in the
head with it. Yeah, that wasn’t
cool. Sometimes I love to sit
like this and just record all
the shit that I’ve been through.
I’ve died, that I know of, I’ve
died like three other times.
Three other times?
Yeah. Two of 'em - I know on,
uh, heroin over dose. The third
one, I got hit by a car skateboarding
drunk while wearing boxers and
nothing else across the street.
What?
I got hit by a car and smacked
my head. Back in ’96, when I
went back to California to kill
myself.
Why’d
you go - wait...what???
Alright, from ’93 to ’96 I worked
in the funeral business. It
drove me so insane that I said
“fuck it.” I could still be
licensed, making money, doing
this and that, I just said “fuck
it. I have to go back to back
to Campbell”. In my first week
that I was back in Campbell
got all drunk and skateboarding
down the street in nothing but
boxers, a car hit me and I went
flying over the windshield.
Smacked my head up on the pavement…
I remember coming to in a hospital
bed but--after that I hooked
up with Stingy. And, it just
went downhill from there so
I had to get the fuck out of
there. And I was living with
Ben but I was so strung out
on dope, that it was like- I
shot dope, passed out, almost
caught myself on fire, woke
up, realized that I had to go
to work, said “fuck it,” went
charging through work, tried
to stick somebody with a broken
bottle at work, ran out of there,
lit the shirt from the place
on fire in front of the place,
grabbed a pumpkin on a bike
that I don’t even know where
in the hell I got the bike from,
smashed it though a plate glass
window at a grocery store. Cops
followed me everywhere. Just
chaos that night. Coming down
from heroin. So, boys and girls,
do NOT do heroin. If I find
out your doing it, I’ll chop
off every single thing… on…
you.
Food is good.
Beer is good. Unless you don’t
like Beer. I know now not to
hand you a beer.
Tell me about your job.
I pick up dead chickens.
Well how did you start doing
that?
My dad wanted a turkey farm...in
Destin California. Couldn’t
get that so - “Surprise we’re
moving to Alabama to raise live
chickens.” They’re kind of fun
to kick, though. When they get
in your way.
Was it a big change? Moving
back here?
Fuck. Going from high-speed
to… almost neutral. It’s like
going from 75 miles per hour
on the road to almost neutral.
Culture shock change.
When did you move back here?
Uhhhh, ’97. Went to California
for a year in ’96-97 trying
to destroy myself. I came pretty
close a couple times. OD’d.
Woke up in the bushes. Uh, just
a fucked up time. But I did
get to screw a couple of girls
[big smiles]. And, whoever reads
this: If you’re a man. I don’t
care if you’re hooked up with
a girl. Unless you’re lobotomized,
if you see a teenage girl and
you look at your old lady that
you’re stuck with forever, and
you look at the teenage girl,
if you want to just walk up
and say “Hey, I’m guessing you
have pink panties on.” And she
says “No they’re pink.” Say
“PROVE IT.” And if she doesn’t
show you...walk off.
Favorite band of all time period:
from England, Peter and the
Test Tube Babies...uhhhh, avoid
G.G. Allin. He will cause you
nothing but hell and death.
Oh yeah, he’s dead! Haha, fuck
you, Kevin! It’s good though,
I saw G.G.
Yeah, didn’t you meet him?
I met Kevin- I mean Merl, his
brother.
What was he like?
A lot different from G.G., alot
different. He had better tattoos.
Professionally done, instead
of G.G. where it was like whoever
had a tattoo gun, when he passed
out whatever you thought should
be on him, draw it. But, Hasel
Adkins is my new super....strength.
You gonna try and get him
into the hall of fame?
I already sent in my letter
to the petition.
So what about this, uh, didn’t
you say you went to a mental
institution?
Yeah, that was G.G., thank you
again you bastard! Yeah, it
was… uh, interesting. I was
strapped on a cot for like 8
hours. And the police officer
didn’t like my singing. I don’t
know why? “I hate you motherfuckers”
and uh…“Fuck authority”. He
really didn’t like that. He
said that he could have somebody
come and gag me if I kept singing
that. Obviously not a music
appreciation person. But they
went through my backpack, and
I guess that one of the doctors
actually watched this, uh, “G.G.
Allin Eats his Own” videotape
that I had in there. So I thought
for sure that I would be in
there for weeks on end. But
they asked me “Are you going
to harm yourself or anybody
else?” and I said “No, I’m done
with that!” But in the back
of my head I was like “fuck,
I need out of here!" “Do
you have somebody to pick you
up?” “Yeah!” “Ok, sign these
papers.” Signed them. Walked
out of Valley Medical, called
my friend who picked me up and
took me right back to the scene
of the crime. I walked into
Slogos, a sandwich shop I used
to work at, and terrorized them.
“Whoever called the cops, thank
you! I always wanted to be strapped
to a stretcher for hours on
end. But I’m pretty damn thirsty.”
Walked behind the counter, opened
the cooler, grabbed a beer mug,
started filling up beer and
people were like "You…
you can’t do that!" "I’m
thirsty! Sorry. You guys ruined
my day, so I’m here to ruin
yours… again!"
Oh, I threw a pumpkin through
a shopping window at like a
Safeway.
Why’d
you do that?
'Cause I was coming down hard
off heroin at the time. I lit
my shirt on fire, and I assaulted
this one guy at Togos 'cause
I never liked him anyways. So
the cops were like following
me around, trying to find me.
They finally found me. And they
asked me to hand my wallet to
them…and I had it on a chain
that hung down to there [pointing
at his ankle]. Making fun of
people with chain wallets. And
I was like “well hang on, let
me undo this.” And I pulled
out a key and the cop looks
at my pants, and sees that I
have it padlocked to my pants.
So, if somebody wanted to grab
my wallet they would have had
to drag me or my pants with
it. The cops weren’t too happy
with that either. But they let
me go to my friends house to
pass out for a while. And I
don’t know but is it me, or
is this guy just, like, fucked
in the head? He walked in and
I was fucking this girl, Roach.
He’s like… walks in, we’re on
his couch fucking, he’s like
“My mom could walk up here!
Don’t you have any morals? She’s
like, [age edited], and you’re
like what... almost 30 years
old?” I’m like “I’ll get back
to you in a second.” Finished,
splurted, and basically he just
freaked out. “Well at least
she’s not like some crusty old
smelly fucking barfly… methhead
like what YOU’RE dealing with.”
So basically, after that, I
didn’t have a place to stay.
I don’t know why he would have
taken offense to that, though.
You’re just telling the truth!
Yeah.
So, you said that you’ve gotten
off drugs.
Yeah, drugs are bad for you.
What have you been on?
Mariguani [spelled wrong ‘cause
that’s how he talks]… crystal
Meth in every form, LSD in every
form, mushrooms, pills of various
shapes, sizes, and colors...
“I’ll never stick a needle in
my arm,” wrong thing to say…
I’ve stuck needles in my arms
full of junk. I thought it was
cool. Punk rock.
Was everyone
doing it back then?
Yeah, Campbell was saturated
with junkies. It was sad though,
because all the people that
used to drink are junkies now.
It was like: “Have a beer, lets
run and…cause havoc. Throw up
in dumpsters.” People are like
“No, I don’t do that any more.
Nana nana...” It’s like “Fuck
you guys, you guys are boring.”
So, alcohol actually saved my
life...from heroin. And the
worst thing, if you’re ever
on heroin, if you have to piss,
you can stand there for like
5 hours…and nothing works… So,
boys and girls, don’t do heroin…
Let’s talk about girls for
a second, what, uh--
All girls want is cock.
Have you ever had a long
standing relationship with anyone?
Yeah, marriage is fucked. Don’t
do that.
Did you get married?
Yeah… Oh, but I was IN LOVE.
Right…
Who were you married to?
This psycho-crazy girl named
Kim. Her whole family is fucked
in the head, though. Definite
inbreeding
How long were you with her?
For like a year, and then I
got stupid and proposed to her.
Just a nightmare.
Is she still in California?
No, she’s down in Arab, Alabama.
I see her and I flip her off.
She snarles at me. It’s good.
It’s magic.
Who do you hang out with
in Arab?
Myself, my cats,…and my records.
Have you ever been in a band?
Yeah, was in the Tribe, I was
in No Effort. Tried out for
some local Arab band and they
didn’t like my flying around.
Somebody said “This isn’t California!”
and I said “No it’s fucking
not!”
So, what instrument did you
play?
Uh, throat…fallover…kick the
drum set and fall into it. No
Effort practiced for two weeks,
played a show, and broke up
that night.
Geez.
Well, that’s the way to do things.
Was it fun, though?
Yeah, yeah. It was lots of fun.
Except for picking up what I
thought was my beer and it was
actually a beer ashtray and
taking a big swallow of it.
That’s never good.
Do you ever go anywhere else?
Do you ever drive out to Birmingham,
or Florence?
Noooo, Birmingham is scary.
Florence- there’s some good
kids out there. I want to go
hang out with them, actually.
I wonder what color panties
that girl with the blue Mohawk
wears?
I’d say black.
Yeah… I don’t know. Girls can’t
deal with my life… After, like
a couple days, the novelties
over and it’s like “This guy’s
fucking… fucking squalled. Besides
the marriage thing, I think
the longest relationship I had
was like a couple weeks.
Do you ever think you’re
gonna go back out to California
or any other state?
Yeah, I’m going to Missouri
in May for the clown festival.
Hopefully it will be warm enough
to go jump off the bridge into
the river. If Leroy is there
I’ll probably get thrown off
the bridge… but that’s fine.
interview
by Ralph W. Llama
